FADE IN:

EXT. MANHATTAN'S BRYANT PARK GRILL OUTDOOR PATIO - AFTERNOON

A BARTENDER pours a drink at the trendy grill. A WAITER picks up the finished drink and winds his way through the attractive crowd. We observe New York's elite as we follow him through the crush. Snippets of conversation blend into white noise.

Finally we reach a table where BRENDA, a stunning blonde in her early thirties sits across from STEVE, tall, dark and classically handsome, with an amused but confident air.

STEVE

...which is why I think we shouldn't see each other anymore.

The waiter sets the drink down.

BRENDA

Thank you.

As the waiter walks away Brenda picks her drink up with a beautifully manicured hand. She raises the glass as if to drink from it, but instead throws its contents in Steve's face, then stands up and storms away. The other diners look on, shocked. Steve turns to the CAMERA. Liquor drips down his face and his shirt is soaked.

STEVE

I know what you're thinking: what did this guy do to deserve a gin and tonic in the face? Before you jump to any conclusions, you need to learn more about me.

EXT. BRYANT PARK GRILL - PAST

There are a montage of SHOTS of women throwing drinks in his face: an Asian woman, a black woman, and finally twins, all at the same restaurant.

EXT. BRYANT PARK GRILL - PRESENT

The waiter approaches and hands Steve a towel.

WAITER

Terry cloth, Mr. Satin, as always.

STEVE

Thanks Tom.

The waiter departs as Steve wipes his face, reaches below the table and pulls out a folded shirt.

STEVE (cont'd)

I seem to inspire hatred in women, but it doesn't start out that way. Women adore me when they first meet me. I make them laugh, I'm successful, and I'm hung like an Arabian thoroughbred.

Steve GRINS, WINKS, then stands up and begins walking toward the CAMERA.

STEVE (cont'd)

All of my relationships begin well; it's after we start having sex that they fall apart.

Steve stops moving.

STEVE (cont'd)

Why? If you ask my ex girlfriends, they'll tell you I'm afraid of intimacy, I still have to sow my oats, or some other bullshit myth women have about men. Do you want to know the truth?

(beat)

I don't like women.

As he makes the last comment Steve ogles a beautiful woman walking by him.

INT. A PSYCHOLOGIST'S OFFICE - DAY

The office is filled with dark wood and an Oriental rug, i.e. a typical shrink's domain. Sitting in an overstuffed chair is DR. VENKMAN, Steve's therapist. He's in his early fifties, and has a kind and intelligent face. He clasps his hands as he speaks with a heavy Yiddish accent to the CAMERA.

SUPER: STEVE'S THERAPIST - DR. VENKMAN

DR. VENKMAN

Steve doesn't really dislike women. He merely has a lot of misplaced, irrational anger toward the entire gender.

EXT. MANHATTAN'S BRYANT PARK GRILL - AFTERNOON

Steve still looks at the CAMERA.

STEVE

Which means I don't like women.

Steve walks out of the restaurant down the sidewalk. Two attractive WOMEN in their twenties stare at him as they pass by.

WOMAN 1

Don't I know you?

Steve smiles, enjoying the recognition.

STEVE

Perhaps you've seen my picture in Giant Magazine?

WOMAN 2

You're Steve Satin. You write the Misogynist!

STEVE

That's right.

WOMAN 1

You make me sick!

She hits him with her purse, then puts her nose in the air and continues walking. Her friend quickly grabs a business card from her purse and surreptitiously hands it to Steve.

WOMAN 2

Call me.

She smiles like a love struck puppy, than follows her friend who impatiently waits for her. We see them arguing in the background. Steve smiles, then turns back to the CAMERA, shakes his head and continues walking.

STEVE

Believe me, I want to like women. Who else am I going to have sex with? But quite frankly, it's impossible to have a relationship with anyone from a gender as irrational, self-absorbed and materialistic as women.

Steve hails a cab. One screeches to a stop right next to him, sending a trash can flying and nearly hitting him. Steve looks frightened. He opens the door and starts to climb inside, then turns back to the CAMERA and nods knowingly.

STEVE (cont'd)

Female driver.

INT. INSIDE THE CAB

The DRIVER is a husky, hairy, Eastern European woman. She has a cigarette in one hand and the other hand on the wheel.

STEVE

I've dated enough looney toons to write a book about it.

He grins.

STEVE (cont'd)

In fact, I have written a book about it.

Steve holds up his book. The cover reads: Relationships are Just an Opportunity to Poison Someone Else's Life.

STEVE (cont'd)

It's as if there are two dimensions in this world. The first dimension is male: every invention, every achievement, every positive aspect of our civilization exists in this dimension.

Steve points to his head and makes the universal sign for "crazy."

STEVE (cont'd)

Then you have the dimension inhabited by women. Just take a look at my sister Jennifer and her friends.

At this point the driver makes a harrowing turn, slamming Steve into the car door.

EXT. AN OUTDOOR BISTRO - DAY

An attractive group of four women of mixed ages, 28-35, sits around a table. Steve's sister, JENNIFER, 35, is very pretty and resembles Steve.

CU OF JENNIFER

JENNIFER

What did you tell him?

WOMAN 1

I said if it isn't three carats then I'm not going to marry you.

WOMAN 2

Good for you. Men need to learn who's in charge.

WOMAN 3

Allen takes me for granted. I'm good enough to raise his children, but he never buys me flowers or jewelry. See this bracelet?

She points to an EXPENSIVE diamond bracelet on her wrist.

WOMAN 3 (cont'd)

I had to buy it for myself at Tiffany's.

JENNIFER

I used to have a problem getting Michael to give me what I wanted, but then I stopped giving him blowjobs. Now if he wants me to give him head he's got a pair of earrings in one hand and a bracelet in the other.

WOMAN 2

Mark gets a blowjob on his birthday and that's it. Ever since I got my vibrator I'm not even sure why I keep him around.

JENNIFER

He gives good Mercedes.

The women all laugh.

INT. INSIDE THE CAB - TWILIGHT

Steve rigidly grips the strap to prevent from being thrown around the back of the cab. As the cab screeches to a halt Steve flies into the glass. We see steve's face pushed against the divider.

EXT. QUIET MANHATTAN SIDE STREET - TWILIGHT

Steve barely stumbles out of the cab before the driver peels off with a screech of the wheels. Steve breathes a sigh of relief. He stands in front of a cheerful brownstone.

STEVE

I'm having dinner at my sister's tonight.

He ascends the stairs.

STEVE (cont'd)

She's married to my best friend, Michael.

He rings the bell, then turns and looks back at the CAMERA.

STEVE (cont'd)

I love my sister, but I'll be the first one to tell you that she can be a real bitch. The irony is, I was the one who introduced her to Michael.

He sighs dramatically.

STEVE (cont'd)

He was so young.

Jennifer answers the door and they kiss each other on the cheek. She is dressed in a business suit.

JENNIFER

You're late. Dinner's been ready for ten minutes.

STEVE

(overly cheerful)

Hi, Jennifer. It's good to see you too.

JENNIFER

Get your butt inside.

STEVE

(German accent)

Ya volt, mein commandant!

Jennifer heads inside. Steve turns to look at the CAMERA. He raises his eyebrow knowingly. He closes the door on the CAMERA.

INT. JENNIFER'S DINING ROOM

MICHAEL is already sitting with their six-year old son JEREMY at the table. Michael is dressed in a sweater and jeans. He's ruggedly handsome, with a weathered face. Jeremy jumps up and runs to greet Steve.

JEREMY

Uncle Steve!

He hugs Steve, who picks him up and presses him over his head.

STEVE

Who thinks I should body slam the little guy?

Jeremy starts laughing.

MICHAEL

Just make sure there's no blood on the carpet.

JENNIFER

Be careful!

Steve walks over to a couch and drops Jeremy on it. Jeremy can barely stop giggling. Jeremy jumps off the couch, flexes his muscles and growls at Steve.

JEREMY

Bring it on!

Jennifer gets in the middle of them.

JENNIFER

Okay children. Break it up.

JEREMY

(whining)

But Mom, we're rasslin'!

STEVE

(imitating Jeremy)

Yeah, Mom!

Jennifer slaps Steve on the back of his head.

JENNIFER

I've heard enough out of you.

She turns to Jeremy.

JENNIFER (cont'd)

Honey, I want you to go to your room and read your book.

STEVE

(childishly)

But I want to play with Jeremy.

JENNIFER

You can play with Jeremy after dinner.

JEREMY

But Mom!

Jeremy just stands there giving her the evil eye.

JENNIFER

(artificially sweet)

You have ten seconds to get moving or Mommy is going to give you a pile driver.

Jeremy scampers out of the room.

STEVE

You're no fun anymore. I think you need a noogie to awaken your inner child.

JENNIFER

Don't you dare touch me.

She backs away as Steve moves toward her.

JENNIFER (cont'd)

Michael!

She almost makes it to the dining room, but Steve grabs her from behind. He wraps his arms around her and gives her a noogie.

STEVE

Who's the best brother in the world?

JENNIFER

Anyone but you!

STEVE

Super noogie!

JENNIFER

Alright! Alright! You're the best brother in the world.

Steve gives her a big kiss on the cheek and then lets her go.

JENNIFER (cont'd)

(to Michael)

Aren't you supposed to protect me?

MICHAEL

You looked like you were enjoying it.

Jennifer sits down at the dining room table. Steve high fives Michael and then sits down as well. They begin dinner.

JENNIFER

I need to talk to you about something.

STEVE

Would "something" be Brenda?

JENNIFER

She called and told me you broke up with her.

STEVE

News travels fast. Did she also tell you that she splashed Eau de Tangeray on me?

JENNIFER

I'm sure you deserved it.

MICHAEL

He always deserves it.

STEVE

I feel so loved.

JENNIFER

I'm serious, Steve. How many women is this now? 40? 50?

MICHAEL

Please. He's at least in triple digits.

STEVE

I have high standards, Jen. I refuse to settle.

JENNIFER

You're my brother, and I love you dearly, but have you ever stopped to think that maybe you're the one with the problem?

STEVE

I love you too, but like all women, your reasoning is deeply flawed.

JENNIFER

Sometimes I find it difficult to believe we're related.

STEVE

Well, if you come out of the same vagina, you're usually brother and sister, but perhaps not in our case.